99 Problems

Dear 99 Problems,
I know this is the most typical beginning of summer question ever, but I want to hear your advice. I have been dating someone (at Lewis & Clark) for a few months now. I really, really care about her and our relationship seems much deeper than a few months, but I always have to check in and realize that it has been less than three months that we have been together (and we were friends before, but not super close until second semester) and that isn’t the most sturdy foundation for a relatively long distance summer relationship.
When we first talked about summer about a month ago, she said that the prospects looked difficult, which was hard to hear but understandable. Now when we talk about summer we just get really excited to spend time together outside of LC, rather than nervous about having to break up or something (or at least that’s the way it seems). Since you’re probably wondering, we live about two hours away from each other by car and I make a lot of trips up her way anyway so seeing each other won’t be a problem when we have time. The issue isn’t as much the distance, but that we’re both pretty busy this summer and one of the places I’ll be is a camp that has no cell phone reception for over three full weeks in a row.
I think we just need to talk it out, but I want to make sure that I get the respect that I deserve and that she doesn’t just run away because of the fact that summer is going to be harder.
Thanks!
Disappointed to be Distant

Dear Disappointed,
Unfortunately, there is no easy answer to this problem. If you guys really do care about each other, being apart will be tough. Even though you don’t live that far away from each other, you won’t be able to hang out as much as you’d like to, and that will definitely be a drag. But if you’re committed enough to each other that you’re willing to put up with this, it’ll be worth it to stay together. The times when you do see each other will be great and you’ll be glad you went through the hardship when you’re able to reunite at the beginning of next year.
The most important issue here is that you guys have a clear idea of what to expect over the summer. Are you going to remain exclusive or not? How often do you expect to see each other? To talk to each other? What do you expect when you come back in the fall? In short, consider questions of what roles you will play in each other’s lives in the coming months. Think about what you’re envisioning and what you’re worried about and be sure to talk to each other and come to some kind of understanding before you part ways for the summer. This will get rid of the uncertainty of the situation, which is often the worst part. Also, if things change over the summer, you should keep in touch about that and make sure you stay on the same page. That said, best of luck and I hope that both of you have a great summer despite being apart! Best wishes.
-99 Problems

I love Lewis & Clark and I have had a year of phenomenal experiences here. But, as I get older I see more and more of what is wrong with LC. It’s disappointing and it has majorly clouded my experience in the past few weeks. I have a few really good friends who have transferred—I don’t think that I’m to that point, and it is only my second semester here, but I am afraid that I’m going to grow to have the bad overshadowing the good, which I do not want to happen. I want to look back fondly on my time at LC and I also want to have a good collegiate experience where I can take control and where I can directly address my concerns and see real changes being implemented. What should I do?

Unhappily Unsure


Dear Unhappily Unsure,

I’m sorry to hear that you’re having some second thoughts about your school choice. Lewis & Clark is a small school with a very unique atmosphere and while this combination results in some great things, it has its drawbacks as well. We have intelligent, accessible faculty, a beautiful campus and a lot of support for putting our ideas into action. However, the small environment may feel a bit constraining and can certainly leave some people wanting a greater variety of opportunities and social scenes.

I don’t know whether these are the issues you’re thinking about, but my point is that every school has pros and cons. Try and think hard about what specifically you like and dislike about LC and how important these issues are to you. If you end up really feeling that LC isn’t the right match for you, transferring is always an option.

However, it doesn’t really sound to me like you’re discontent enough to take this dramatic of a step. Therefore, I’d say look at the specific problems you have with the school and try and find solutions. If the school is too small, look for off-campus programs, clubs and activities to get involved in. If you don’t identify with the culture, look for groups and clubs that you will identify with more.

Also, as I mentioned, the school is extremely supportive of students who want to make a change in the community. You have more power than you think to shape the LC community into what you want it to be. I don’t know what exactly you’re struggling with, but you might try organizing an event or a service project or starting a new club. The staff members here are extremely helpful and they want you to have as fulfilling an experience as possible, so talk to them if you’re still confused. They’re more than willing to talk about ideas and get you access to the help you need. Best of luck and I hope you can find peace with this dilemma.

Sincerely,
-99 Problems

Dear 99 Problems,

With graduation approaching in less than a month, I am trying to figure out how to balance my “real” life after college. It’s important to keep your priorities in line while at LC, but it is also incredibly disillusioning because stepping out into life implicates change. Here are some of the beasts I’m currently tackling regarding life changes:

1. My girlfriend. We have been dating for a little over a year and I love her. I really, really do. Last semester was a bit rocky but we pulled through and feel steadier than ever now. I have sacrificed the closeness that other meaningful relationships contained since we have been working through our issues and reconnecting. She is worth it, but I also need to have my pack around me in order to take on the world.

2. My job/money. There is a research assistant position available in Portland and it is a phenomenal opportunity; however, it will take up roughly sixty hours a week. It pays fairly well, but this, once again, ties into my relationships. I feel like right out of school it’s important to foster those relationships and sustain them as I move into the uncertainty of adult life. I know it isn’t a choice between a job or friends, but it feels like that is what it may become, plus with a full time relationship, most of my extra time will be with her.

-Anxious Almost-Alum

Dear Almost-Alum,

As for your relationship, it sounds like you have a good thing going. However, it is always important to maintain a balance and not put all your eggs in one basket. Because of this, I’d be wary about sacrificing other relationships for the sake of your relationship with her. If you ever feel like the amount of time you’re spending with her is hurting your other relationships, talk to your girlfriend about it. Since you guys seem to have a good, open relationship going, I’m sure she’d understand if you want to spend time with others and I’m confident you’ll be able to do so and still have a close relationship with her.

As for the job, I’ll admit that I don’t have a lot of experience with full time work. However, it’s clear that 60 hours a week would be extremely taxing. It sounds like a great opportunity, one that will allow you to save up some money and build your resume. But you should remember that work is only a means to an end. You want to be financially secure and to prepare for future careers, but you don’t want to kill yourself or make yourself miserable doing it. If you’re working that much, it’s especially important to maintain relationships that will help you through.

It’s definitely going to be hard to find your new balance after graduation, but it’s also an exciting opportunity to shape your future. In general, I just advise you to keep the things that are truly important to you in mind. If you feel you’re neglecting something you value, use that as information and see if you can find a way to get your priorities in order. Best of luck with your transition.

-99 Problems

Dear 99 Problems
I love Lewis & Clark, and I can’t imagine myself anywhere else, but it’s a pretty well-known fact that the dating scene here leaves something to be desired. So, a couple months ago, I landed an off-campus romance. Things were going really well until I introduced him to the LC scene. Now, everything that I really appreciated about him before (his genuine interest in me, unassuming kindness, clean clothes, contact lenses, soft and neatly-trimmed blonde locks...) has been corrupted by my LC hipster-bro friends. Now I don’t even see his old clothes anymore, and I don’t think he’s even washed his new ones since he bought them from Red Light. His once glorious blonde locks have been shorn and he has a rat tail. Last weekend really put things over the edge. My LC hipster friends took my boyfriend on a long bike ride, which ended at an animal shelter where they instagramed pictures of themselves with cats to Facebook.
I definitely didn’t see this coming. While he still is genuinely interested in me, and we have a lot of fun when we’re together, I wonder how long it will last before the hipster cynicism sets in. This relationship is not going where I thought it would, and I’m starting to have doubts. I don’t want to be a psycho, control-freak girlfriend...but how do I let him know that his new hipster lifestyle isn’t doing it for me?

Dear Anonymous,

I’m sorry to hear about your dating troubles. In my opinion, the most important part of a relationship is how you two get along and understand each other. A sign of a good relationship is being able to talk to each other and enjoying the time you spend together. There are probably things about your boyfriend that attracted you to him aside from the way he dressed. Like you said, his kindness and his interest in you were big reasons why you liked him from the start. If you can still have a great time together, there’s really no problem and it sounds to me like you’re still able to get along pretty well. Ask yourself how important they way he dresses and who he hangs out with truly are to you. Is it really that big of a deal, or might there be something else bothering you?

In addition, labeling people as “hipsters” has potentially dangerous consequences. You don’t want to confuse issues you have with “hipsters” in general with issues you have with your boy-friend. Try not to think of him as a hipster, but rather as an individual that you know and like. If you look at it in this light, his new style of dressing and new activities may not be as disagreeable to you. Also, if its cynicism you’re worried about, I don’t think that loving cats and long bike rides is too much of a warning sign.

If you think about all this and his new ways of acting still seem like a major problem, then I’d advise you to talk to him. Don’t exaggerate how big a deal it is, but do be honest if it’s a genuine concern for you. You may not even want to make a big deal of it and just say something about how you wish he would wear his old clothes more often. Best of luck.

-99 Problems

Dear 99 Problems,

I have been having some issues with my friend group. They are so sweet, but they, like many others at Lewis & Clark, are not the most open minded when it comes to religion. One of my biggest worries when I came to LC was whether my faith could continue to grow. So far, the school has been helpful and I have not had any major issues. While I figured that my friends would be the easier thing to handle, it has been rather the opposite. They are not exactly rude about it; they simply do not understand. I have some friends who go to church with me, but I am not as close with them as I am with my other friends. I do not want to lose my friends and I have talked to them about religion and they ask me questions and are politely curious, but some of the remarks they make, I just don’t think that they realize all of the little things that offend me. Do I talk to them again? Do I spend more time elsewhere? I love them, and this is the only issue, but it is really hard to take sometimes.

Thanks,

Faithful friends?

Hey Faithful Friends,

First off, I salute you. It must be hard to stay committed to your faith in an environment that is largely non-religious. However, I’m sorry to hear that your faith has led to difficulties with your friends. It’s always tough when our friends do not understand or appreciate something that we consider very important. But at the same time, we can’t expect every friend to share our interests and values completely. The fact that our friends have different opinions than us can be a challenge, but it is also one of the biggest reasons that we’re interested by them. It sounds like your friends are making a good-hearted effort to try and understand your faith, but if they don’t completely grasp what religion means to you, don’t hold it against them, just attribute it to differences in personality.

That said, you don’t want to be in a situation where you feel insulted or mistreated. If your friends say things that offend you, let them know. Your friends sound like good people and I’m sure that the last thing they want to do is make you upset. Most likely, they just don’t have a good idea of what’s okay to joke about and what really gets to you. Try and clarify this for them. You don’t need to get angry about it, but you also shouldn’t let them go on insulting you without knowing it. You’ll have to be patient with them as they attempt to learn how to be more sensitive, but I’m confident that together, you can work towards an environment in which you both feel more comfortable.

In addition to this, you might also want to seek out someplace where you can meet people that share your feelings toward religion. There are several religion-oriented clubs on campus that I’ve seen mentioned in the Opportunities and Announcements emails, such as the “Life” club, the “Fellowship of Christian Athletes” and “Dinners with the Rabbi.” You can probably find a group suited to you (or even start one!). If you need more information about the different options, you can always talk to Jason Feiner, the school’s Director of Student Activities. Best wishes.

-99 Problems

Dear PioLog’s 99 Problems,

I have this friend. She is wonderful and I adore her. Such a sweetheart. We met on NST and have been pretty close ever since. She has had casual relationships with a few guys between last semester and this, and I’m usually the person she talks to about it. I love having our “girly” time together, even though it is generally pretty one sided because I haven’t been getting too much tail these days. Well, at first it bothered me that these guys weren’t taking her more seriously because she is so great, and then I realized that I was actually kind of jealous of them. I think I have a crush on this friend and I, as a girl, do not want to lose this friendship, but at the same time I’m starting to like her more and more and not just as friends. What do I do?!

Thanks.

-Friends so far...

Hey Friends So Far,

This is a pretty tough situation. It’s hard to be friends with someone that you have romantic feelings for, especially if they want to talk to you about all the other relationships they’re having, but it’s also hard to know whether to make a move. It’s particularly tricky if you don’t know whether your friend is into girls or not. One way to approach this is to subtly ask your friend, when the time is right, if she’s ever been with a girl or thought about it. Do this as if it’s just part of your normal girl talk, because you don’t want to make her uncomfortable. If she doesn’t seem into the idea, you have your answer.

If she is into the idea, the situation’s a little trickier. You have to try and see if there are any hints she might feel about you the way you feel about her. It’s always hard to tell, but if there’s nothing that suggests she likes you in that way, it’s best just to stay friends and not risk making things awkward. If you do pick up signs that she might be romantically interested or if it’s too painful for you to stay friends with her without her knowing how you feel, they you should consider laying your cards out on the table.

If you do decide to do this, try to do it in a way that will avoid as much awkwardness as possible. Don’t dive in head-first, test the water a bit. You could smile and say something like “I think I might have a crush on you,” or “Don’t you ever wish we could just date each other instead of these guys?” The more awkward you act about it, the more awkward she’ll feel, so convince yourself that it’s not a big deal and stay smiling and relaxed. If the conversation gets serious, be as honest with her as you can. Be sure to tell her that what’s most important to you is not to lose her as a friend or make her uncomfortable. Find out how she feels about it and listen to what she says. If things get too weird between you, you could try not to see each other for a while and then get back together again in a week or two and see how you feel. I hope this helps with your dilemma and remember that I don’t know your friend as well as you do, so trust your own judgment. Best of luck!

-99 Problems

Yo, I gotta problem for you to unriddle: Money. So, my friends’ parents are all pretty loaded. They give them a lot of spending money and so my friends like to dress up or go out usually three or four times a month for dinner; to get off of campus. I really like it and we have a great time but it is getting pretty expensive and my wallet is getting light. I have stayed in a few times because I don’t want to be that friend who always ditches out on those great nights, but if I do it too many times my friends get frustrated. I have almost told them a few times that it is just too much money, because my excuses about studying were not cutting it, but I think they’d offer to pay and I can’t stand that idea. Do I tell them? Do I just let it happen?

-Penniless Pioneer

Dear Penniless Pioneer,

Being light on money is nothing to be ashamed of. After all, we’re college students, we’re supposed to be broke. It sounds like your friends have a nice thing going with their dinners and it would be a shame to miss out on it, but it’s ultimately your right to judge for yourself how much money you feel comfortable spending and whether or not a fancy dinner is worth the cost.

Telling lies usually leads to uncomfortable situations, so your excuses for skipping the outings can’t hold up much longer. I’d say talk to one of your friends that you most trust and feel comfortable with and shoot straight with them. If you really wouldn’t feel comfortable taking money for dinner, say that right off the bat so you don’t have to decline an offer and offend anyone. But chances are your friends really value your company and if they’ve got money to spare, having you at their dinners is probably more important to them than saving an extra couple bucks. You could even maybe try and work out some kind of deal where you split the cost. Don’t let your pride stand in the way of a gift if they’re offering it truly and honestly. I know you don’t want to feel like you’re using them or putting them in a position where they’re obligated to pay for you and you might even want to tell them that. But it would be silly and sad if you stopped being able to hang out with your friends over something as trivial as money. If all else fails, try to think of some other activities you guys could do together, like museum visits, hiking or going out for something like dessert instead. Hope it all works out for the best!

-99 Problems