An FBI agent looks quizzically into a laptop screen. Illustration by Maya Winshell.

FBI Spy Log Reveals LC Student’s Online Habits; Yikes

The Backdoor is a work of fiction and humor.

THE FOLLOWING is an exclusive surveillance log of an unidentified Lewis & Clark student by the FBI obtained by the Pioneer Log.

8:45 a.m. Subject’s alarm sounds.  First internet activity logged at 8:47 a.m. Subject scrolls through Instagram for 25 minutes, then proceeds to their morning internet routine. Subject has kept up this routine for 205 days.

Numerous posts prompt Subject to switch over to Google, searching, “Apollo Ohno dead???,” “Do dogs remember yesterday” and “What happens when you cook an avocado.” Subject checks Handshake to see if their crush is attending the Career Center College Career Commission Connection Career College Brunch. Note: they are not.

11:20 a.m. Subject logs on to WebAdvisor after class. Subject clicks on Grades off the Students menu and audio sensors spike, indicating an audible cry. For the following 10 minutes, Subject looks at photos of “cats and dogs being friends” on Instagram.

12:00 p.m. Through lunch, Subject swipes on Tinder at a rate of 30 profiles a minute, slowing only to be sure to left swipe the Libras and Tauruses. Subject screenshots the profiles of three classmates and sends it to a WhatsApp group chat in addition to their RHMS class list-serv, apparently by accident. Subject’s own Tinder profile overstates their love of outdoor activity as well as their height. Subject’s average walking distance per day is measured at approximately 1.8 miles, and in cross referencing with their drivers license measurements, the profile height is overestimated by six inches.

2 p.m. Subject has a 20-minute phone conversation with their mother. Topics discussed: Mother’s friend’s child dropped out of a more prestigious university than the one Subject attends, Subject’s sibling has a friend with colored hair that concerns Mother, the family dog puked in the washing machine, Subject has athlete’s foot from showering without flip flops again and is admonished, Subject finds dryer sheets cumbersome and asks Mother to explain “why they get all gunky ‘n’ shit when they come out of the washer,” Mother sighs deeply at this, Subject makes an excuse that they “gotta head to class” even though it is 2:20 p.m. on a Friday and they say goodbye.

4:45 p.m. Subject checks LC Missed Connections. Heart rate spikes after reading post reporting “To the hottie in the green flannel in Psych 101: I want you to drown me in the new bridge water feature. I’d let you put your HydroFlask in my Kånken any day.” Subject screenshots the post for future reference.

8 p.m. Subject orders 20 dollars worth of Taco Bell on Uber Eats, consisting of two Crunchwrap Supremes and a 12 pack of Cinnabon Delights. Subject tips 2.5 percent.

12:15 a.m. Subject has a series of unsuccessful Google searches ‘guy screming meme,’ ‘guy screaming fence meme,’ ‘shaking screaming guy meme,’ ‘trying to get through a fence screaming guy,’ until finally arriving at the link for Eric Andre at the DNC.12:45 a.m. Subject turns off phone for the evening.

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