The Backdoor is a work of fiction and humor.
AS THE NEW semester begins and Lewis & Clark students begrudgingly return to campus, they are tasked with the annual transition from sipping wine with the parents to crushing brews with the bros. Although some handle the change with ease, others are less graceful and often suffer for the first several days, sometimes even weeks.
“You can always get a sense of what’s going on around here by digging through the recycling bins,” John Carraway, LC’s Head of Maintenance, said. “This semester, there has been a huge increase in wine bottles, and the number of shotgunned beers has greatly decreased, perfectly reflecting the difference in home life and dorm life.”
Carraway did note that he was certain things would go back to normal soon.
“Kids these days can only deal with so many wine hangovers,” Carraway said.
Bon Appétit also reported the change in behavior among students. According to Bon Appétit’s Assistant Manager Ellie Barstow, many students have been requesting all sorts of specialty drinkware.
“So many students are coming up to the counter and asking if we have any chalices or tumblers,” Barstow said. “At brunch last weekend, I had three different students ask if I had a flute they could use. I didn’t even know there was a cup called that, so I sent them to Evans for the instrument.”
LC’s bookstore has responded by increasing the size and variety of their drinkware selection, however, it should be noted that martini glasses will be out of stock until early next week due to unplanned popularity.
Students have been vocal about their experiences during this trying time. Mary Wallace ’20 claims that the whole problem is exaggerated.
“I really don’t know what the big deal is,” Wallace said. “My mom is a bartender, so drinking with her is just like hanging out with my friends, except she always has nicer liquor.”
Jesse Vining ’19 gave a very different account of his experience.
“Every night at home when we sat down for dinner, we hold hands and say grace, since my parents are, like, super Catholic,” Vining said. “Now that I’m 21, they let me drink wine with them. So, of course, I was a little out of practice with how to drink responsibly, which led to me getting a little sloshed and whipping out my Juul at the table. The conversation I had with my mom about that was worse than an SRR meeting.”
At this point in the interview, Vining became visibly emotional and had to step out of the room for a few moments. When he returned, he continued his story through tear-filled eyes.
“You know what the worst part is?” Vining said. “When I got back to LC, I was so used to drinking with my parents that I accidentally let a ‘Bless us, O Lord’ slip as I was about to sip my first beer. Now the Pioneer Christian Fellowship won’t stop emailing me.”