*The Backdoor is a work of fiction and humor
By Robin Roianov
Signaled by a plume of orange smoke rising from the Frank Manor house and answered by the roar of a hundred or so rain-soaked Pioneers waiting outside, the Elite 24 of the Board of Trustees have chosen a new Dean of Students. Little is known to the student body about the incoming Dean, yet rumors are already beginning to swarm the campus.
The new Dean, whose birth name is Leslie Manning-Grosman, will have to choose a new name for the tenure of her deanship. Several names are already being considered, including Plato, Frederick, Karl, and Meriwether, all of which reflect the liberal arts education and colonial history of the school. However, Manning has been insistent that whatever name she picks, must also have a hyphenated last name, that way no sophistication she has already garnered can be lost.
In an interview with The Backdoor, Manning stated, “As I move up the ranks of academia, I hope to continue to add more and more hyphenated names. Maybe someday I’ll have so many names I won’t even remember all of them.”
Manning, who was educated at state schools in California, is said to be the first Dean who did not receive a liberal arts education of their own. By electing her, the Board of Trustees has sent a clear message that the future of Lewis & Clark lies almost completely in transfer students from state schools and residents of California, namely the Bay Area.
“The decision to select a candidate who did not attend a liberal arts college is a big risk, because, as we teach in Pioneer Success Institute, students who do not attend a Liberal Arts school tend to fail more often, and generally live an unsuccessful life,” Acting Dean, Alan Ladue said. “But we are trying to be nonjudgmental.”
Shortly after the decision was made, Manning, dressed from head to toe in a holy Pioneer Orange robe, addressed the cheering crowd from the rooftop terrace of the Manor House.
“I am honored,” she said simply. “I have been dreaming of this day for a long time, and even though it’s come to fruition at a school like LC, I’m still willing to give this a chance.”
Manning concluded her speech with the school’s motto, “Explorare, Discere, Sociare.”
Several students expressed confusion, including Amy Waters ’20, who thought “the speech was really fantastic and the orange flowy robe sure was pretty, but I just don’t understand why she started speaking Spanish at the end.”
Altogether the event was a joyous and cheery spectacle, with a huge turnout from the student body.
“Normally LC has a small percentage of its population turn up to events like these, but for this new dean, we had 97 students in the crowd,” a beaming Head of Public Relations, Jim Archer said. “I counted them myself.”