Tobacco Industry Collapses as LC outlaws on-campus use

*The Backdoor is a work of fiction and humor

By Andrew Hayes

It is no secret that every single Lewis & Clark student for the last 151 years has been smoking a pack of cigarettes a day. With new nicotine alternatives such as the JUUL and other electronic cigarettes, the tobacco industry has especially thrived among LC students who were finally able to get their fix of nicotine, while simultaneously avoiding the other smokers at Designated Smoking Areas on campus. However, studies show that the global tobacco industry has collapsed due to LC’s recent ban on nicotine products.

According to a study conducted by The Economist, global tobacco revenue has decreased over 50 percent since the beginning of LC’s fall semester. There is no doubt that this is a result of the administration’s decision to ban smoking on campus. Since the ban was set in place, every single student at LC has ditched their nicotine addiction and will never touch another nicotine product again. This caused an unprecedented economic crisis; over 12,000 individuals working in tobacco manufacturing have lost their jobs. The United States has entered yet another recession.

In an interview with CNN, the CEO of Marlboro, Philip Morris, plead that LC revokes the ban on nicotine products due to a cessation on production of Marlboro black label cigarettes.

“It seemed very strange at first. The demand for our harshest blends of tobacco practically stopped existing,” Morris said. “When I found out Lewis & Clark College banned tobacco products, I realized that it was because LC students were the only ones buying them in the first place. It is a very sad time for Marlboro and we beg that the college undoes its actions.”

Unfortunately, Marlboro is not the only company facing economic collapse in the wake of the ban. JUUL has recently published a statement which suggests that LC students should not end their nicotine addiction, but modify it to comply with the premises of the ban.

“We implore the students of Lewis & Clark College to continue purchasing JUUL pods. Though students will be unable to vape on campus, we encourage our loyal customers to consume the JUUL pods for their fix of nicotine,” reported JUUL. In fact, JUUL is planning on releasing a cookbook to allow LC students to be creative with their plastic-eating. Other students have taken a similar approach in injecting the JUUL pod liquid into their veins.

On the bright side, LC’s ban on smoking and vaping has single-handedly ended lung cancer. According to the Surgeon General, lung cancer has simply stopped being a problem since LC made the choice to eliminate nicotine products. Global life expectancy has increased by 100 years.