Juul-ry voted hottest new trend at LC that will also certainly kill you

Photo by Lexie Boren

*The Backdoor is a “work” of “fiction” and “humor”

By Andrew Hayes

The new Juul trend is becoming increasingly popular among Lewis & Clark students. In addition to being an ostensibly “healthier” alternative to cigarettes, the Juul has also become an iconic and necessary fashion trend for nicotine-addicted students on campus. The Juul is a little black rectangular vaporizer that can be seen at any of the designated smoking areas (DSA) on campus. The magnetic bottom of the Juul has inspired students to spice up their various hoop earrings and necklaces for maximum edginess and endless possibilities.

Despite the uniformity of the appearance of the Juul, innovative LC students have still found ways to avoid their greatest fear: not being seen as unique. By dressing the Juul in stickers or carving it, LC students become super cool and trendy, ultimately preserving their individuality.

“Is that a Juul?” these words echo at every frisbee party and DSA. Once that crackle sound is heard, the owner of a Juul can expect LC students rushing in flocks to get a puff. Because of the fiending nature of Juulers, the Juul is a great way to make friends and start up conversation by feeding a local stranger’s crippling nicotine addiction.

Be warned: it is very hard to distinguish Juuls from household objects due to their discrete appearance. LC Student Nicholas Otine ’21 shared his difficulty in distinguishing what is and is not a Juul.

“A student on campus sold me his old Juul,” Otine said. “It took me three and a half months before I realized it was a flash drive. What I thought was vapor was actually just my breath because it was cold outside. I decided to try to sell it to another student under the guise of a Juul. It worked.”

For students with orthopedic implants made of metal, the Juul provides a new and exciting form of avant-garde body-modification. Julia Caesar ’21 fell down a flight of stairs during fall semester and has been ecstatic ever since she got metal rods placed in her shoulders.

“At first, I was bummed out to have metal in my shoulders,” Caesar said. “Then I realized the metal rods are magnetic and I can stick my Juul on them. Since then, I’ve made so many close friends by being asked by students for a hit from my shoulder. I am so grateful to have metal in my shoulders.”

One student, Carlo Marks ’20 took this trend a step further than Caesar. Because the Juul is so small and easily misplaced, Marks sought various ways to avoid losing it by incorporating it into his daily outfit.

“Duct taping my Juul to my hands felt like the most economical and convenient way to stop losing it,” Marks said. “Then it became too hard to remove it to charge. That was when I decided I needed to implant a Juul charger into my arms. It was the best decision I ever made.”

Sure, the nicotine addiction aspect might make the Juul seem like an incredibly destructive fashion trend, but the withdrawal from an empty Juul pod makes Juulers even more (as they say) hesh. When a Juuler runs out of pods, their new and hip nicotine addiction causes so many symptoms that Juulers try to emulate anyway. The long-term fatigue, irritability and constipation of their nicotine withdrawal makes their aesthetic all the more authentic and exciting as they no longer need to fake the melodrama to match their outfit.

A recent study at Johns Hopkins University found that lead, nickel and other toxic metals can be released from e-cigarettes such as the Juul. However, this shouldn’t faze LC’s Juulers. By intaking these toxic metals, Juulers can eliminate the risk of losing their Juul because they themselves will become magnetic. So vape away, LC students. Let’s all become magnetic.

By intaking these toxic metals, Juulers can eliminate the risk of losing their Juul because they themselves will become magnetic. So vape away, LC students. Let’s all become magnetic.

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