V-Day D-Day

*The Backdoor is a “work” of “humor” and “fiction”

By Lluvia Meyreles

Ever since our Commander-in-Chief took office last January we’ve lived in fear of nuclear annihilation. We’ve all been praying that Donald Trump resists pressing that big red button on his desk. What no one could have predicted is that he would press it on Valentine’s Day, mistaking it for the button that would conjure up the perfect present for his wife.

“My mistake was understandable,” Trump said in a tweet. “The button is red and Valentine’s Day is red, too. Plus my hands are very big and it is easy to accidentally press stuff with them.” The result of his mistake was far bigger than his hands: a complete nuclear wipeout of the United States. The administration has yet to comment on why the nuclear bomb’s target was the US in the first place. The only survivors of this tragedy were the ones who were doing their very best to hide from anything and everything having to do with Valentine’s Day.

“I was single, so there was no way in hell I was leaving my house that day,” one survivor said. “In fact, I hid myself in the farthest corner of my basement so that no one would ever see how pathetic I was. I realized something terrible had happened when I went down to the drugstore the next day to buy myself some discount chocolate and the whole thing was deserted. I got a bunch of free chocolate though, so it wasn’t so bad.” Every couple who had been out that day celebrating their love was killed. Instagram reported an all time low of activity that day.

“We usually get a lot of people posting about their Valentine’s Day plans,” an Instagram representative said. “This year no one got a chance to. We lost a lot of money that day.”

“I’m not gonna say that those annoying couples deserved this, but I’m also not not gonna say it,” said another survivor.  

It is unclear what the repercussions of this will be for President Trump. The talk of impeachment has escalated tremendously since the incident. Currently, Trump is planning a trip to Russia, which coincidentally was his Valentine’s Day present to the First Lady. While he is there he is said to have several meetings scheduled with his close friend Vladimir Putin, who tweeted the morning of the incident, a simple: “hahahahaha.”

On the upside, Bumble will be hosting an annual mixer for the single people left behind. The purpose is for the US population to find comfort and solace with each other. They are calling it “Partner Day.” Flowers, chocolates and jewelry are encouraged.