*The Backdoor is a “work” of “fiction” and “humor”
By DJ Poopypants
The Lewis & Clark Career Center released its annual employment statistics on Tuesday in a quarterly report to the administration. The report included a breakdown of employment rate by major and extracurriculars in addition to reporting how many students were successful in finding jobs and what those jobs were. According to the report, The Career Center secured over 940 employment opportunities for eligible Pioneers during the 2016-2017 year. Shockingly, 929 of those opportunities were located within the Career Center itself.
“This isn’t actually that surprising” Oswald Binks, a Career Center coordinator said. “The career center is great at finding you a job, as long as you want to work in the Career Center.” Binks oversees day-to-day operations at the Career Center and said that he was personally responsible for hiring around 85 percent of the graduating class of 2018.
Some members of the faculty see this new information in a positive light, claiming that it boosts employment rate for post-grad Pioneers. An anonymous admissions representative said that the more Pioneers the Career Center employs, the better it looks on the perfectly manicured, unrealistically diverse pamphlet that circulates to high schools and other recruitment zones.
“Essentially, we can absolutely guarantee you a job here,” Binks said. “If you’d rather not look at resumes and cover letters until your eyes bleed in that weird glass cube that smells like the Trail Room, we’ve got your back! The Career Center also has had success getting students and recent graduates jobs in fantastic places like The Bon! The Troom! The LC mailroom! Who wouldn’t want to relive the horrors of their freshman year until they’re 28, all for minimum wage?!” Binks proceeded to hold in what appeared to be an intense, mournful cry before snapping back into his chippy demeanor and excusing himself from the interview.
With such a steady influx of dedicated workers, The LC Career Center has quickly expanded into a multinational corporation. With over 12,000 employees, 19 US offices, and seven international branches, the Career Center is expected to surpass Nike later this year in sales. Rumors have been circulating among top faculty that Jeff Bezos has expressed interest in buying out the Career Center and making it a division of Amazon. While this is pure speculation at this point, it is certain that the Career Center has a prosperous, Pioneer-filled future.