Sex and The Campus: Old Dogs, New Bons

*The Backdoor is a “work” of “fiction” and “satire.”

By Elise Glaser

As I was walking to the library from class in my black leather Chelsea boots, I began to wonder: Are college seniors the new senior citizens?

First Years arrive at Lewis & Clark every year in search of the two L’s: Love and Liquor. These two quests result in endless tears on Scampus and purses lined with spilled Franzia.

I began to think of my three best friends, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda, and all of the shenanigans we would get into as freshman and thought to myself: Are we getting old?

Across the Sellwood Bridge, on the Lower East Side, Samantha was waking up next to her new guy, Smith, who she was finally settling in with. After youthful years of sleepless nights waking up next to who-knows-who, Samantha was ready to settle in, drink some Yerba Mate and reflect on the wildness of the last four years. Laying next to a sweet, put-together math major, she thought to herself, “Is this it? Is this what social security is?” If so, she was ready to cash in her check.

She hadn’t always been so secure. Looking back on her dating past, the four of us friends remember the hot RA she stalked, the Nike model who she met during his shift at Salt + Straw and the threesome she had after grinding between two people at a Platt/Howard Halloween dance.

The word junior began to take on a whole new meaning. As spry, youthful juniors, we were always filled with social insecurity. Samantha, always the adventurous type, got into an open, three-person relationship (a “throuple”). At the time, our curious, young minds had wondered: are throuples the new sexual frontier? Throuples were everywhere: Betty, Veronica and Archie; Edward, Jacob and Bella; even Migos. However, now older and wiser, Samantha can’t help but think: “Are open relationships just opening up a can of worms?”

Now, my friend Charlotte, perched atop Palatine Hill in her pre-war Brownstone, is fully embracing her senior citizenship. Declaring her wish to be well-rested and anxiety-free, she vowed not to attend parties and to go bed on the weekends at 11 p.m. Over were her days of sitting at SW 6th and Salmon waiting for the Pio at 2 a.m.

Miranda, who has always been an old soul, might as well be in an old folks home. She loves the uneventful 4:30 Bon, where she can sit at a tall table and quietly read the New York Times, ignoring all of the new faces that grace the Bon this year. In a past life, she would scan the room, looking for her LC Tinder matches. These days, her Tinder age range is set too high for LC students to even show up.

As for me, getting rejected by first years at the Student Union dance last spring was the final straw in starting out this new old hag lifestyle. I even reconciled with an ex because we made a great team for trivia at Tryon Creek Bar.

In our new and elderly lifestyle, the four of us gals spend our Friday nights making sparkly, goopy Instagram slime instead of a goopy mess out of our love lives. Finally, embracing our senior status, we are going into retirement from drama.