*The Backdoor is a “work” of “fiction” and “satire.”
By Nick Sabatini
In response to LC’s budget crisis, the administration has decided to cut its landscaping budget to $290 trillion. Some elements of the cut include mowing the lawns less frequently, switching to lower quality food for the campus squirrels and removing the Britta filters from some of the sprinklers.
The effects of these cutbacks are expected to greatly impact animal life on campus. With the Britta filters removed from the sprinklers, resident squirrels will need to drink standard tap water instead of purified water. The Britta filters, attached to all of the sprinklers, are simply too expensive to maintain. LC squirrels are known to get volatile when they do not get the food and water they want, so students will need to be extra wary of hungry, thirsty, ferocious squirrels when walking to class.
“If you ever encounter an angry squirrel, you should play dead,” Director of Facilities Mishel Meorge said. “If you play dead, the squirrel will leave you alone. You should keep playing dead until you realize how ridiculous you are to believe that playing dead will actually work.”
The facilities department feels that it isn’t necessary to water the lawn ninety-three times a day because it hasn’t stopped raining in Portland since October 1852. They also claimed that it would be more appropriate to mow the lawn only five times a day instead of ten times because the grass doesn’t seem to grow very fast.
Originally, the administration planned to cut funding to the “Rose Garden,” located past the Estate Gardens. That is when they realized that they were never spending any money on the “Rose Garden” in the first place. With no money being spent maintaining the “Rose Garden,” the area may turn into LC’s only desert within days. For every other square inch of LC’s campus, facilities will make sure no detail gets overlooked despite the budget cuts. They confirmed that they will continue to make sure the roses don’t have too many petals, that the trees don’t have too many leaves and that the reflecting pool will stay empty for the remainder of the year.