Lewis & Clark outranks Harvard*

Photo courtesy of LC

*IN MOTTO LENGTH

By Lauren Keegan

In a spectacular turn of events, Lewis & Clark College has officially beat out Harvard by a landslide in one category. A shameful blemish upon the reputation of the once prestigious 381-year-old Ivy League institution, its floppy fish-fry of a motto — Veritas, the Latin word for “truth” — has been put to shame by LC’s simple yet verbosely eloquent Explorare, Discere, Sociare, Latin for “to explore, to learn, to work together.” It is official: LC outranks Harvard in length of school motto.

When approached for comment on this devastating blow, Harvard University officials were surprised to hear that LC exists. Reporters searched Harvard’s Cabot Library for a student opinion on the issue, but were unable to find anyone capable of such a response, since every student was either sleeping under a desk, crying into an Economics textbook or on so much Adderall that they couldn’t blink. The only students that spoke to said reporters mistook them for Goldman Sachs recruitment officers and quickly left the conversation upon learning that they were, in fact, “West Coast plebeians.”

In light of this joyous discovery, it is now the policy of the Admissions Office to regurgitate this statistic at least seven times to prospective freshmen when they tour campus and when they ask about LC’s appallingly low retention rate or the size of the endowment. Other mandatory admissions jargon includes “holistic learning,” “Manor House,” “rigorous,” “liberal arts” and “we don’t have an inferiority complex.”

It was determined that the unquestionably true fact of LC’s usurpation of the historic Harvard University aligns better with the red brick, cobblestone and meticulously manicured landscaping aesthetic that is so painstakingly curated. A budget proposal is now in the works to decorate the entire interior of the Frank Manor House in 24 karat gold and Burmese rubies in celebration of the momentous achievement, and to show Harvard that LC doesn’t need 49 Nobel Laureates to be fancy. This will subsequently cause a $12,000 hike in tuition per student and the delay of bridge reconstruction for another 27 years.

During a press conference on Nov. 2, LC President Zim Ziezel congratulated the students, faculty, staff and administration for such a profound victory. Upon learning that the achievement was having a slightly longer school motto, sources say Ziezel left the podium, walked to his car and drove down the street in the direction of Reed College.

*The Backdoor is a “work” of “humor” and “fiction”

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