*The Backdoor is a “work” of “fiction” and “satire.”
By Lauren Keegan
Halloween is just around the corner, which means it’s time to call upon your knowledge of 2017 pop culture, dig through your closet, and spend hundreds of dollars on Amazon in a game of constant one-upsmanship with your peers. In order to mark yourself as the clear winner, it’s time to visit all the ingenious, groundbreaking, non-repetitive bodily displays of creative genius that are the costumes of Halloween 2017. Declare yourself as LC’s new sovereign of both fashion and intellect with any one of these snazzy getups.
A popular object is always a safe play. Are you a luxurious princess who mourns the death of summertime and listens to Lana Del Rey every waking moment of your life? Go as a swan pool floatie to evoke memories of lounging poolside with your girls! Or, if you’re an adorable artsy shorterall-clad granola girl, you could go as a succulent, everyone’s favorite photosynthesizing desert chode. A twelve year old who’s overly active on social media is suited perfectly for a fidget spinner costume, or perhaps even a puddle of slime. Both are fine since God is dead.
If you’re the walking representation of the term “extra,” you’ve likely already considered the option of covering yourself in glitter, jewels, spandex and colorful body paint and going as a unicorn, mermaid, fairy, alien, peacock or whatever the hell you want to call yourself. It literally does not matter. You could be a bowl of cornflakes and you’re still going to look amazing; that’s the power of glitter. If only there were glitter for every major life decision I’ve made and subsequently ruined.
Characters are a sure-fire way to get people to like you; they convey a mutual interest in a popular figure, as well as providing a nice escape from the horrific drudgery that is your existence. For a duo, the costume that will elicit the most screamed catchphrases from passersby is Rick and Morty. Once you find a friend to designate the lesser costume of a yellow shirt and jeans to, you can treat them like garbage and have a great excuse to buy a lab coat and drink from a flask all night. A classic option with some room for variation is the scary clown: Pennywise from Stephen King’s “IT,” Donald Trump or my uncle Craig. Any way you spin it, mothers will be keeping their children far away from you. Alternatively, if you’re really hot and you want to make sure everyone knows it, you can go as Spiderman, Wonder Woman or a Baywatch character with full confidence that no one else will be wearing what you are.
Last but definitely not least, the pièce de résistance, the Holy Grail of 2017 Halloween costumes: memes. Fully dissociate and revel in anonymity by embodying the mental crutch of an entire generation. There is no greater joy than memes; that spark of warmth in your heart as you read the text, view the image, and feel as if some inkling of meaning has been restored to your dumpster fire of a life. Bask in their glory as you ascend above the tattered remains of every dream you’ve ever failed to achieve, wash away the biting pain of existence, and forget how much you’re suffering since life is devoid of all meaning and we’re all just slowly decaying corpses. It matters not what meme you dress up as this Hallow’s Eve. What matters is the feeling as onlookers glance at your attire, analyzing the persona you have dawned just for the night as the smile spreads across their face; you both savor the fruitful moment of connection. Happy Halloween, Pios.