*The Backdoor is a “work” of “fiction” and “satire.”
By Ariel McGee
Lewis & Clark College died suddenly in its Portland, Oregon home around 1 p.m. on Sunday. Police do not believe foul play was involved. The college had just turned 150 and will be survived by its older brothers Graduate Campus and Law School. Everyone could see LC slipping, but no one reached out to help. Several months ago, the college started smoking more to hide its stress. The grass outside of the Frank Manor house began to yellow and finally, the collapse of the bridges at the beginning of the year sealed its fate.
The eccentric city of Portland has contributed to changes in the culture and community of the college over time. For instance, LC began its life as a religiously-fueled Presbyterian pioneer in Oregon’s Willamette Valley. With the rise of punk culture on campus — signaled by Doc Martens, brightly colored hair and satanic rituals — religious activity dwindled. As LC approached death, it was given prestigious recognition from the Huffington Post as the “Second Least Religious College” in America.
Although life never seems long enough, LC lived a long and fulfilling existence, always approaching philosophical questions such as the following: “What is the meaning of life?” and “How many pairs of Birkenstocks have walked upon my earth?” Many of these questions will be forever unanswered due to the college’s untimely death.
The college lived a life doused in political correctness, environmental friendliness and love for the outdoors. It had been known for its glamour camping, also known as glamping. LC never sent its students on several day treks into the wilderness without gourmet food like mango strips and guacamole with kale chips.
Along with supporting academic rigor and diversity in learning, LC encouraged avant-garde fashion on campus. It could vary from “Granola dad goes back to school” to “rebellious librarian goes to Nirvana concert” and even “DJ from Full House gets made over by Avril Lavigne.” Although LC has passed on, the fashion it fostered will forever live on.
The death of the college did not come as a surprise, but it will be mourned by students, parents, faculty and the entire city of Portland.
ASLC is coordinating the details of a candlelight vigil to comfort mourning students. There will be an open mic afterwards for everyone’s mediocre-at-best slam poetry. In lieu of flowers, please send donations to the hundreds of thousands of students who were swindled at LC.