*The Backdoor is a “work” of “fiction” and “satire.”
By Catherine Cinguina
Your time is precious, though if you saw the lines at The Bon you wouldn’t know it. Instead of looking at the sign that brags “we’ve got the best college food in Oregon,” make the most of your time. Here’s a list of nine things to do when Buzzfeed quizzes and small talk run dry so you can maximize your efficiency and get the most out of your college experience.
Plan a Heist
Specifically to steal display vegetables from The Bon. Conspire with your linemates who’ll get the utensils and who’ll get the cantaloupe. Wear a big trenchcoat, stuff tupperware in your backpack or simply walk out with an entire kitchen set. Betty won’t call you out.
Design a Fully Sustainable Home
It’s expensive to live on-campus!
Read Plato’s Five Dialogues
I mean, it’s what you should do…I…nevermind.
Go Through the Five Stages of Grief
Personally, I’m still not over David Bowie.
Read Don Quixote in English … then Read it in Spanish
Start to wonder if the figures ahead are your peers or just windmills.
Get Over Your Ex
They said forever. Who knew forever was only 5 months, 3 weeks and 12 days? You didn’t! Well, it seems you have a bunch of time on your hands now! Luckily they say it only takes half as long to get over a relationship as the time you were in it. Maybe by the time they ask you “tofu or chicken” you’ll finally be able to let them go. Maybe.
Wonder if God is Real
It was Gottfried Leibniz who asked: “Why is there something rather than nothing?” Well you’ve got a lot of time to ponder this yourself. Maybe you were raised Catholic and embraced your atheism at the age of 12, but this question may still be nagging at the back of your mind. Who’s there to punish you if you do wrong? Is there no one? Stare deep into the floor and really ask yourself… is God real?
Grow a Beard
Prove your manhood. Shun whatever fear of failure lingers in your mind. Get over the weird patchy period. Affirm that yeah, what’s happening on your face is on purpose. Smile with tears in your eyes as you go through the itchy period. And boom! You’ve got yourself a full-fleshed beard that asks, liberal arts student or homeless man?
Shave your Beard, Start Again!
You’ve got time. No hurry here.