*The Backdoor is a “work” of “fiction” and “satire.”
By Mo Macsai-Goren
Tuesday morning, the Office of the Dean released its annual report on student demographics. New additions to the comprehensive census include in-depth biographies for the Class of 2021, a breakdown of dietary restrictions for students living on-campus and a look at what the average Lewis & Clark student looks like. According to the most up-to-date data, the average Pioneer is a 1999 Subaru Outback.
“After careful analysis of all 2,134 kids currently enrolled, we have come up with a profile representing the average student,” a spokesman for the college told Backdoor reporters. “Turns out the average student is just a forest-green Subaru, probably wearing birkenstocks. Naturally, we expect this to change in the upcoming years but for now the best representation of our student body here at LC is a modestly-priced hatchback.”
The full profile shows a mock-up of a 1999 Outback complete with Washington license plates, eco-friendly tires and a socialism-related bumper sticker. As speculated, the car was wearing a pair of worn-in birkenstocks and trying to give cars parked nearby stick-n-poke tattoos. The Subaru was also smoking an American Spirit cigarette.
Various students and on-campus organizations have raised concerns with the profile, claiming it is not a fair representation of the students enrolled at the college.
“It’s totally unfair I’m not a Subaru. None of my friends are Subaru Outbacks” one member of the class of 2018 lied before reversing out of the Templeton parking lot and driving away down Palatine Hill Road.
The Office of the Dean has yet to release a statement regarding these criticisms.