LC’s in debt yo!

WHAT HAPPENED — Lewis & Clark College, the second best small liberal arts college in Portland Oregon, is in debt. Several reasons caused this unfortunate situation for the school, including, the rising cost of streamers for student clubs, the purchase of a grotesquely expensive and sometimes functional printer for Watzek and the ineffectual leadership of LC’s administrators and President for the past six years that failed to put the school on the map in a highly competitive market.

How LC’s debt crisis will affect you!

  • Only 5 minutes of petting time with Pio at sports games
  • Additional toaster at the Bon sold to Goodwill
  • Pioneer Log budget slashed since who needs real news in this era anyway?
  • Tenure-track professor positions cut and replaced with Khan Academy Youtube Videos
  • Upper-level Administrators salaries slashed and wasteful spending diminished to reduce the deficit and provide—haha just kidding. Why would that ever happen?
  • Bon Appetit will switch to 100% cage free eggs in 2018 because that’s what really fucking matters right now
  • LC plans to build more housing for students just incase you really wanted to live on campus for another two years
  • Useless pizza parties for campus events limited to only twice a week

5 Ways to Save Money at LC

  1. Empower yourself by choosing which textbooks you want to buy for class. You decide what’s on the syllabus!
  2. Limit meals to the free donuts handed out outside Howard
  3. Refuse to use your print balance by turning in all your assignments to your baby-boomer era professors online. I’m sure they’ll love that.
  4. Switch to Camel Crush Menthols™ saving you 2.35$ with each purchase!
  5. Transfer

Timeline:

LC’s current financial woes are hardly its first. We break down the school’s consistent pattern of reckless spending.

1867 – Lewis and Clark ironically decides to name school after themselves

1869 – LC realizes they should probably have built a school closer to civilization

1900 – School changes name to Albany college to confuse people trying to find the east coast.

1936 – Administrators invests entire spending portfolio in helium blimps

1937 –  May 6, The Hindenburg crashes

1959 – Rock `n Roll is banned from campus for being “too noisy”. Administration loses on potentially hundreds of thousands of future alumni donations

2007 – LC decides to heavily invest in the subprime loan housing market.

2009 – For 15 million, school finally completes B3RRY G Series robot to replace the current president

2011 – Due to increasing costs, LC decides to cut STEM departments, to focus on what really makes money around here

2013 – School enters the “denial” stage of the five stages of grief

2014 – LC admits its last normal sized class

2017 – January 15, G-Series robot malfunctions requiring human host to resume duties as president

2017 – LC mistakenly files for chapter 12, causing thousands of dollars in legal fees.

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