*This article is a work of fiction and satire. Please don’t sue us.*
Take this definitive quiz to find out!
RECENTLY Willamette Week decided to published an article titled: “Which Portland College are You?” We at the Pioneer Log (and yours truly) decided to take this a step further. Find out what type of Lewis and Clark student you are! The answer, may surprise you.
What’s your major?
- English with a minor in studio art.
- Psych or an English Major
- Currently failing several.
- Rhetoric and Media Studies Major
What’re your weekends like?
- Not much. Might go check out this house show in Sellwood that my friend’s, cousin’s hampster’s, ex-roommate’s boyfriend who goes to Reed, is playing drums for in this band. Either that, or I’ll drop some acid and listen to the new Bon Iver album.
- Not much! I think I’m going to chill with a couple of my friends in Hartzy and smoke some weed. I think we’re going to watch Moulin Rouge! Or something by Wes Anderson. After the second PBR, maybe I’ll get adventurous and order a pizza from Papa Johns. I’ll be in bed by 12:17am tho. I can’t wait to head downtown on saturday and do some thrifting!
- Dude weekends are meant to explore. That’s why we’re here isn’t it? I was thinking of grabbing some ropes and headin’ up to Neah-kah-nie Cliffs to catch the beautiful vista.
- Bro. The weekend is about TURNING UP. I’m gonna play G-Easy, or Cas$h out, grab some Keystone light, and make this party in da apartments, L
- Acid, weed, camel yellow cigarettes, and I’ll occasionally rail adderall before when I cram for my English final
- I just smoke on Scampus occasionally
- Shrooms to prepare for my next outdoor ‘field trip’
- I don’t do drugs because of my athletic scholarship. I compensate by over-drinking.
What dorm do you live in?
- VAPA or I sleep on the couch/extended closet in my friend’s apartment in Sellwood.
- Upper level of Manzi
Your favorite class?
- English 323: Introspective study of Joyce’s favorite ice-cream shops in Dublin
- Psych 110 (I got an A- !)
- Physics 210 (I didn’t really show up since it was at 9:40 on T, TH and I wake and bake, but when I did show up it was super chill).
- History of European Music Ensemble (SUPER easy. Only to had show up for like 4 classes.)
What kind of shoes do you wear?
- White ‘vintage’ Vans sneakers.
- Docs, Birkenstocks, Crocs maybe Converses for throwbacks.
- I don’t wear shoes
- Why is this a question?
Why did you come to LC?
- I didn’t get enough money for Reed, and I didn’t get into Occidental, Whitman or U. Chicago.
- I wanted to get away from the bay area, and move to Portland! Reed seemed really hard.
- Mount Hood, and the natural Oregon coast. I love the freedom that LC brings to explore the wildlife. And weed is legal here.
- I was good at sports in highschool but not that good, and I realized I wanted to get a job after school when I tore my ACL.
What music album are you listening to right now?
- Live B-side tapes of Lou Reed wailing in a bathroom in the Upper-east side of New York in 1976, next to Andy Warhol.
- Mac Demarco, Salad Days.
- “Live Grateful Dead show at the Red Rocks, 1987 Summer Jamz”
- This one song by Flosstradamus that I heard about on the FIFA 2015 soundtrack.
What’s your favorite book?
- 1986 Morrissey Fan-zine.
- The Great Gatsby
- Into the Wild
- The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
If you mostly chose…
1) Art Bro/Douche
You’re cool. Or at least you think so. You probably wouldn’t stand out so much at Reed, but at LC, you definitely do. You know all the ‘coolest’ music that’s too underground for Pitchfork, all the cool house parties, esoteric 19th century french novellas, and 1986 underground punk street art. After dismissing this article as pedantic and reductionist, you’ll probably put down this newspaper and pick up your copy of essays by David Foster Wallace or “The Stranger” by Camus.
2) LC Basic
You know who you are. You probably will deny it, that’s ok, we all do. We’re all a bunch of special snowflakes who weren’t really cool in high-school, but we so wanted to be. Go lace up your doc martens and roll up those jeans. You’re not special or unique even tho you think you are, but that’s ok; we can all be special together. Welcome to LC.
3) Hobbit / Patagonia Bros
You’re more interested in talking about scaling that ‘sick climbing up el cap mountains’ than actually climbing it. You don’t wear shoes, showering was so high school, and you’re going for that homeless jesus chic, never mind the fact that your parents helped pay for your 2005 Subaru and the $250,000 your parents are paying for.
4) D3 Athletic Bros
You didn’t use the normal application process to get into here. You’re kind of the white elephant on campus, you play D3 sports at a school most known for its proximity to a hipster donut shop. You don’t have a favorite Beach House album, Wes Anderson movie, or what nitro cold-brew coffee is. That’s ok.