By Zibby Pillote and Caleb Diehl /// Editor-In-Chief and Managing Editor
Despite the all-consuming coverage The Pioneer Log provides, The Associated Students of Lewis & Clark is considering bringing more print newspapers to campus. To help you, the 21st-century reader, figure out how to read all this “ink” on “paper,” we’ve (scientifically) analyzed the newspaper options and picked a winner.
The Wall Street Journal
Vote for this one if you meet one of three conditions: a) you’re a billionaire LC drop-out who created a tech start-up b) your parents are billionaires who created a tech start-up c) you don’t know what the words “federal work study,” “pell grant” or “financial aid” mean, but you are well acquainted with the terms “derivatives,” “management” and “stock options.”
The Wall Street Journal works for honest American folks who like to gaze at stock numbers and read opinion pieces from their favorite sexist war historians. Through linear statistical regressive quadratic meta-analysis (LSRQMA) we’ve calculated with a margin of error of +/- zero percent that the Wall Street Journal will appeal to one percent of LC students.
Los Angeles Times
Boring. Let’s move on.
Our Pick: The Washington Post
The Post features a balance of right and left-leaning columns, easy access to coverage of top issues and a long-running record of ethical reporting. It’s the king of newspapers that aren’t The New York Times.
The only problem is that it’s run by a Jeff Bezos, a billionaire tech guy who bought the paper with $250 million of spare change. Fortunately, we think we can all swallow the blatant buyout of a source of public information to suit the whims of one man, a man worthy of reading the Wall Street Journal. This paper is just too good—we’ll have to order thick stacks. Maybe we’ll even get free two-day shipping.
If all of our math, jokes and jokes about math leave you too tired to pick a paper, save us all time and energy, and read The Pioneer Log all day every day.
Follow @calebsdiehl and @ZibbyPillote